After much prodding by a friend online who is also in a DD (male HOH version) relationship I decided it was best if I did some confessing to not only T but myself and anyone who happens to read this blog. I should probably be writing this in my journal rather then here but why not kill 2 birds with 1 stone right? So where to start...
T has been very busy lately and hasn't been home much since Tuesday. Sometimes his job takes him away from home so this is not unusual but this is the first time it's really happened since we stated DDD. I knew that it would be a challenge to follow and enforce the rules with being apart. I seem to be having more of a problem then T is with this matter. My main downfall is this one rule we have about eating. I absolutely hate having to eat breakfast and lunch. One of our rules is we will eat breakfast, lunch and dinner every day (we let this slide on the weekends when we don't always get up in time for breakfast). Most of our rules are for our health like this one and drinking water etc. I can usually drink the water unless my stomach can't handle any more but the meals... I'm having issues with. Normally if either of us were having issues with a rule we would discuss it and figure out if something needed to be changed or reworked. This rule is non-negotiable.
So instead of discussing my difficulty with the rule and trying to work harder to follow it, I've turned to making excuses as to why I didn't follow it. Now, not every time that I've had an excuse has it been false or made up, but more times then not in the past week, the excuse (my stomach was bothering me etc.) has been just to get away with not having to eat rather then a real issue. The real issue was that I didn't feel like eating so to save me from having to put a tally mark (And thus saving my butt) in my journal for missing a meal or having to suck it up and actually eat something, I would give an excuse that I felt was an acceptable reason to miss the meal... and it worked. I can't remember exactly how many meals I've miss so far this week but today alone I did not eat breakfast. Yesterday I didn't eat breakfast or lunch and so on and so forth. I have been dishonest I would say about 60% of the time as to the reason why I hadn't eaten, and that's when I admitted I hadn't eaten at all.
I wish that was all but there is one more thing I guess I need to confess. It all started when T was actually able to come yesterday evening unexpectedly. I was very happy to see him and after eating some dinner and made sure our daughter was doing what she should be doing, I quickly stripped and got into the shower with him (even though I had just showered that morning) and proceeded to relieve some of his stress and help us along for later. He always likes to go once before we start anything so I figured I would take care of that so that later once the child was in bed, we could have our fun. I even made sure he understood that I was in the mood and hoping for some play time later. There was no guess work involved like happens with a lot of women. Well, later didn't happen. T was tired from a long day and after our show we were watching was over, he was still trying to go through the over 100 emails that had accumulated during his absence. Once he was done with that, we brushed our teeth and went to bed. While saying our good nights he said he was sorry that we didn't do anything and I said it wasn't a big deal. I lied.
It wasn't a huge deal but it did bother me that he got his "fix" but I didn't get mine and I knew he wouldn't be home for the next few days (at least) to do it either. He knew it bothered me and told me not to just say it was ok and build up a wall but I played it off and we went to sleep. One of our rules is honesty. Really it shouldn't be a rule but a given but we both have a tendency to hold things back just to keep things running smoothly for the time being. Last night was the perfect example of that. I didn't want to get into a conversation about it at the time because I knew he was really tired and needed to get some sleep so to tell him these things either would have resulted him trying to stay up to give me my "fix" (which is for both of us really but he had already had gotten his fix earlier) or he would have gone to bed feeling guilty that he hadn't taken the time to be intimate with me.
I didn't want to give him that guilt or keep him up any later knowing that he already has enough on his mind. Where that may have been a good thought, it was wrong of me to not be honest with my feelings and tell him what was on my mind. The rule clearly states that when asked a question we answer it honestly and if we have a problem to discuss it and not let it fester and turn into something bigger then it needed to be. I broke that rule. My intentions may have been good, but I still made the wrong decision to keep my true feelings from him.
So with my confession now complete I sit here nervously wondering if I should it the "publish post" button. I don't know what the results of this confession post will be but I know the possible outcomes and one of them does not bode well for my rear end. We shall see...
~D~
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2 comments:
Well done. I know this was hard for you. But part of DDD is trusting your partner to do what he thinks is best. You should be proud of yourself!
I meant to come sooner and comment. Reading this was a bit difficult for me, mostly because it was unexpected. D has always been honest with me and has never given me a reason to think otherwise. Reading that she had kept things from me made me a little mad, but mostly sad. Sad because I realized that she was obviously afraid of what I would think if she didn't follow the rules. I have been fairly straight forward with my reasons for eating 3 meals a day...after all it was her suggestion in the first place.
She did get punished, both for lying to me and for skipping meals. I couldn't just let it slide. That would not have been helpful for either of us. I had to punish her so that I could forgive her, and she had to bu punished so that she could shed the guilt. I also had to let her know that I would not be letting things like this slide and she would be held accountable.
She has done better eating this week. SHe is still having issues with her tummy, plus having back and neck pain, but she has eaten her meals, like a good girl. :-)
It was a good experience for both of us, even if her backside didn't think so at the time. I'm glad we were able to settle it once and for all and move on.
Well, that is until she whoop me too for the things I confessed. But she did not hold a grudge for being whooped earlier. Her slate was clean, and now mine was as well. A fresh start for both of us.
~T~
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